The last few weeks have brought me so much clarity...aha moments have been coming throughout my days. This week in particular has been focused on shadow and light, and I've come to an understanding about the role that each plays in my life. Since I began taking courses of a spiritual nature..and in particular my clairvoyant intuitive training, I've been doing deep work that has been healing me in so many ways. I think sometimes it's easy to curse the shadows, or darkness that dwells in each of us. It can be so much more painful to look at shadow than it is to look at the light. Though when we do that...curse the shadows, I believe we are escaping so much beauty. I know it seems hard to find the beauty in the darkness, it can be scary, and frustrating at times...but it's where our depth is. Our power lies within those dark corners. When we face ourselves full on, look ourselves dead in the soul, we see it A L L. We see that there cannot be one without the other, and if there is, are we living half a life? Are we living authentically, and at our full potential? Or are we living in fear?
I was thinking about the depth of work I did in my year long class, and my teacher's willingness to go there. To take us t h e r e. She wasn't afraid to do some deep sea diving, and I have realized over the last few weeks...that I'm not either. I'm not afraid of what is waiting there in the darkness because I have looked at it, sat in it, uncovered it, and seen firsthand how it helps. I've lived a life full of light, always wanting to be the good girl, worrying about what others will think of me...will they like me, will they get angry at me? I found this bleeding over into my readings. I was feeling a bit of fear when Spirit would share something that was less than light. I would hesitate, the feeling of will he/she be upset with what I am going to say right now? Always minding my P's & Q's (this in every aspect of my life). And this week, in the midst of turmoil and stress...I was given a gift. I sent out a batch of readings that were really focused on what each person needed to know as we begin this new year. I had them done for about a week prior to sending them, and I was beating myself up for taking so long to get them out. At some point...it became clear to me that things were as they were supposed to be (I guess that point was that the day I sent them). I had no fear, no concern over what the person would think if there was anything less than sunny in their reading. I was fully committed to sharing the messages that I am blessed enough to be able to receive. Accepting the responsibility that comes with this work, if I am really going to do it...knowing full well that sometimes we need to hear the deep stuff. Knowing that it's not just about being a cheerleader, that sometimes we need a light shone on our shit. And that is where, and how we begin to heal.
That's why I went to my first reading...I wanted to feel better, to heal a little. At the time I wasn't sure what that looked like. Or even what I was expecting. In fact, I was scared to death. I was worried that I would go to hell for being there (this is another blog post in and of itself). Maybe some people do only want the pretty stuff in a reading...? Honestly, my readings are usually really heart centered and sometimes light hearted. But for some reason this knowing that I am unafraid of the deep sea dive feels like it has opened me up in ways I couldn't have understood before this very week. I know that it brought a beauty to each of these readings that would not have been there if I would have typed them up a moment sooner than I did. And this brings me back to the light and dark...in a moment where I felt completely at center, and whole, I also felt all the feelings that come along with fear, and scarcity, and stress. And I was right where I was supposed to be...able to be with all of it. And trust that what is unfolding is for my best and highest good.
