30 days of devotion.

shadow. light. ocean. glow.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about self care, and whether or not I'm meeting my own needs...If I'm honest, most of the time I am not. I've been hearing whispers for a long time asking me to take the time. Make the time to do those things that are nourishing, fulfilling, and that make my soul sing. When I was in my year long clair class it was a bit easier...I had a scheduled time at least once a week that was just for me. And when I was in class, I made more time for meditation too. It was homework, and I was thrilled to do it (most of the time). I'm realizing how much time I spend thinking of others, and their feelings. This isn't news to me, but sometimes I think you need a kick in the ass to realize that you've slipped back into old patterns. At least I do sometimes. Patterns are a funny thing...they are so ingrained that sometimes you don't realize what's happening until things get uncomfortable.

 This got me thinking about what discomfort looks like to me. How does it show up for me? I haven't been leaving the house much, I walk in the morning with my hub and the dog and then I'm in for the rest of the day. I notice I'm resisting most outings lately. It also shows up as me being resentful, feeling burdened, burned out...and this year I found myself feeling downright angry. That was a new one for me. I don't often hold onto anger, it usually moves through quickly. This winter I did. I was s e e t h i n g, and sharp tongued and really only my husband saw it, took the brunt of it. I danced with darkness a lot this winter. I try to be careful with judgements of myself because every season has it's light and darkness, there's no avoiding that. I'm making choices not to avoid, but to understand and welcome all of it.

In the past I have avoided things that felt dark at all costs, the light felt more acceptable. More palatable. I have had discussions about being afraid to work with the Dark Goddesses, and afraid of going deeply into anger. This Winter it happened without a plan, and without my knowledge until I was about halfway through (which makes me smile). I began to dream about Kali, and she began to show me things in dreamstate that didn't serve me, things that it was time to release. The anger rose, and rose almost to fever pitch...and I realized that Kali had been here working with me for longer than I realized. I was too busy claiming I was afraid of her to notice that she was by my side all along. The more I opened to the idea of working with her, the more fire I felt burning within. I even took on a alter ego whom I called "fuck a duck", that's how I felt. Fuck it all, about most everything. My husband and I joked about the name, but it was a very real part of me at play. All that I had been holding safely inside was bubbling up, I couldn't control it or make it look pretty. I realize most of that anger is a direct result of me not taking care of myself for years. And there are some things that I need to die to in order to transform.

What does taking care of myself look like? For me it's ~ meditation, going to the ocean, listening to music, creating, eating healthy, taking baths, connecting with spirit, deep conversations with friends, walking in nature, moving my body (yoga, dance), taking time to ground myself, loving my crystal friends, remembering to breathe, writing, slowing down, reading, quiet time, painted toes, taking good care of my skin, alone time, making art, saying no, saying YES. All of these things are woven into the very fabric of my being, I need them like air. Nourishing mind, body and spirit. I've been in fight or flight for so long I don't think I realized how sorely it's been missing. I cannot be or do what I want to in this life without nurturing myself. I'm truly the only one who can do that. I'm reminded of a future life meditation I did once, we did a series of of about 3 or 4 of them in class. One of them was what the future looked like if I did not stay on my path, and it wasn't pretty. I was probably mid 60's and unkempt, overweight, and just existing. Married but feeling very alone, and all of my spiritual items were covered up by black cloths and were dusty. All of it sitting there like a sad reminder of what could have been. This scene is so powerful in the here and now, and I know I deserve a life that is vibrant and juicy, not just one where I am simply existing. And so it is.

As I've been thinking about exquisite self care, I'm noticing so many others who are also considering doing 30 days of self care. I don't feel like it's a coincidence that there are so many of us who are feeling the pull toward filling ourselves up. It's beginning to feel like April is going to be powerful month, and on the 1st I will begin 30 days of devotion. Devotion to myself, to spirit, to all that is, to love. A whole month of experimenting with possibility...How will I feel if I am fully nourished? How will life look? How will I look? What will be revealed? Will my light grow even brighter? What will I learn about how I show up in the world? How empowered will I feel? Will the happiness in life feel even sweeter? There is a glow growing inside of me, and I can't wait to see what this act of devotion will do for it. Self care is a sacred love of the soul. Deep and true. How will care for yourself (your soul) this month?

birthing and blooming.

I'm feeling the blossoming under my feet. There is a palpable energy in the air that whispers in my ears and tickles my cheeks. There is no denying that it's there, my hub even feels it. It's electric, and exciting, and inviting all at once. And yet....I notice there are moments of resistance. I can feel my heels digging in, trying to grow roots here in the soil where they are now. I notice the places where I feel pulled forward, and remember that my roots are wherever I am, not just where my heels begin their dig. I remember that because I feel still or motionless in one moment...it does not mean that I am stuck, or not making forward strides. I know that these moments come and go. Sometimes I do feel stuck. Sometimes I do feel like I'm not DOing enough to get me to where I want to be. Sometimes I catch myself wishing to be somewhere other than where I am. And sometimes I allow it all to wash over me. I feel it, I sit in it, and I welcome the lessons in it. For the last two days, amidst the forward motion in my life, I clearly see that I am fighting what I'm feeling. And if I sit quietly, right where I am...I can acknowledge that this is a cycle, a story...it's fear presenting itself like a blooming flower. Because if I allow this surge of energy, and the calling of rebirth...if I finally step out into the big wide beautiful world....I face the truth of flight or fall. And I wonder how many times I have faced this before? In this lifetime and in others. How many times have I gone through this cycle and moved through it? And lived through the outcome, whether it was soaring or falling?

Any time I begin to do work that involves me putting myself out into the world, I go through this cycle. And in the past, my inner critic or my emotions may have convinced me that it was all too big a risk. But now, I feel the blooming regardless of the fear. I feel it in the face of it. Behind the scenes, I'm birthing a product that I hope to share by the end of the month...I'm bumping up against all my edges, and having to BE with them. The what ifs, the how to's, the perfectionism...it's all coming up. In a weirdly awesome way, it's showing me that birth is not always easy, or pretty. There are so many things that I have had am having to die to in order to transform. So much growth, and agony over the last few years. And so much beauty. As we turn the wheel toward Spring, and move out of the months of winter, I am thankful for the gifts of the last few days. I am suddenly very aware of a few things 1) my feelings, my fears 2) a sense of renewal and emergence 3) the importance of exquisite self care, and 4) my desire to show up for myself.

In this very moment I know that no matter what I feel or do (or don't do)...there is nothing that will stop the perfection of all that is about to happen to me. So I commit to show up, to take care of myself, to commune with my inner Queen, and deeply honor the process of birthing and of blooming.