|shadow. light. ocean. glow.|
This got me thinking about what discomfort looks like to me. How does it show up for me? I haven't been leaving the house much, I walk in the morning with my hub and the dog and then I'm in for the rest of the day. I notice I'm resisting most outings lately. It also shows up as me being resentful, feeling burdened, burned out...and this year I found myself feeling downright angry. That was a new one for me. I don't often hold onto anger, it usually moves through quickly. This winter I did. I was s e e t h i n g, and sharp tongued and really only my husband saw it, took the brunt of it. I danced with darkness a lot this winter. I try to be careful with judgements of myself because every season has it's light and darkness, there's no avoiding that. I'm making choices not to avoid, but to understand and welcome all of it.
In the past I have avoided things that felt dark at all costs, the light felt more acceptable. More palatable. I have had discussions about being afraid to work with the Dark Goddesses, and afraid of going deeply into anger. This Winter it happened without a plan, and without my knowledge until I was about halfway through (which makes me smile). I began to dream about Kali, and she began to show me things in dreamstate that didn't serve me, things that it was time to release. The anger rose, and rose almost to fever pitch...and I realized that Kali had been here working with me for longer than I realized. I was too busy claiming I was afraid of her to notice that she was by my side all along. The more I opened to the idea of working with her, the more fire I felt burning within. I even took on a alter ego whom I called "fuck a duck", that's how I felt. Fuck it all, about most everything. My husband and I joked about the name, but it was a very real part of me at play. All that I had been holding safely inside was bubbling up, I couldn't control it or make it look pretty. I realize most of that anger is a direct result of me not taking care of myself for years. And there are some things that I need to die to in order to transform.
What does taking care of myself look like? For me it's ~ meditation, going to the ocean, listening to music, creating, eating healthy, taking baths, connecting with spirit, deep conversations with friends, walking in nature, moving my body (yoga, dance), taking time to ground myself, loving my crystal friends, remembering to breathe, writing, slowing down, reading, quiet time, painted toes, taking good care of my skin, alone time, making art, saying no, saying YES. All of these things are woven into the very fabric of my being, I need them like air. Nourishing mind, body and spirit. I've been in fight or flight for so long I don't think I realized how sorely it's been missing. I cannot be or do what I want to in this life without nurturing myself. I'm truly the only one who can do that. I'm reminded of a future life meditation I did once, we did a series of of about 3 or 4 of them in class. One of them was what the future looked like if I did not stay on my path, and it wasn't pretty. I was probably mid 60's and unkempt, overweight, and just existing. Married but feeling very alone, and all of my spiritual items were covered up by black cloths and were dusty. All of it sitting there like a sad reminder of what could have been. This scene is so powerful in the here and now, and I know I deserve a life that is vibrant and juicy, not just one where I am simply existing. And so it is.
As I've been thinking about exquisite self care, I'm noticing so many others who are also considering doing 30 days of self care. I don't feel like it's a coincidence that there are so many of us who are feeling the pull toward filling ourselves up. It's beginning to feel like April is going to be powerful month, and on the 1st I will begin 30 days of devotion. Devotion to myself, to spirit, to all that is, to love. A whole month of experimenting with possibility...How will I feel if I am fully nourished? How will life look? How will I look? What will be revealed? Will my light grow even brighter? What will I learn about how I show up in the world? How empowered will I feel? Will the happiness in life feel even sweeter? There is a glow growing inside of me, and I can't wait to see what this act of devotion will do for it. Self care is a sacred love of the soul. Deep and true. How will care for yourself (your soul) this month?