This weekend I took my rough chunk of Rose Quartz, and headed down to see Mama. There is nothing that grounds me like the ocean. I've been carefully watching how I show up for myself lately....I'm finding that sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I was attempting to do 30 days of devotion, and I'm not really sure that it went the way I thought it would go. But it certainly went the way it was supposed to. My default seems to be to take care of others before myself. Awareness is my friend in this situation, and I'm ok with my 30 days being nothing other than a teaching time. I've had some monumental shifts, small but mighty ones that I think will change the trajectory of my life if I allow them to. One of the things that I have grasped on an even deeper level is in regards to responsibility...being responsible for the energy I bring into a room or interaction, being responsible for myself in general. I was sitting in the car the other day and had this moment of clarity around the effects of caretaking for others before myself. When I do this I'm taking on so much energy that isn't mine. When I'm worrying about others so much, the weight of their stuff is sitting so heavily on me that I cannot move into the places in my own life that really serve me. I have a lot of fear around what will happen if I'm not holding things together...or up for those I love. I know this comes from childhood. I understand that not letting others have their experiences isn't serving anyone...especially me. But there sitting in my car, I knew it on a deeper level than I have ever before. The space where I take responsibility for myself and only myself, is where my Queen energy resides. It's where my power is lies.
I can feel this rising of sorts...maybe it's the energy of Beltane, maybe it's just time. I don't know...the one thing I do know is that I have to show up for myself in ways that only I can. And so I go to see Mama Ocean in all her glory, I tote around my Rose Quartz, I ask for space and whatever else I may need, I fiercely guard my energetic space - treat it as sacred...and I allow myself to be soothed. All the way to my soul.